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Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
12:06 am - Dreams Can Come True
Last night I had a dream that was FAR more surreal than any dream I can remember having in my entire life. I dreamed that a year ago, when Heidi left for a month to give us space in an attempt to save our relationship, when she came back I had completely learned my lesson. I dreamed that she didn't actually leave a month later, b/c I was still careless and ungrateful for her. I dreamed that when she returned I never mistreated her again. I dreamed that it was as perfect as it would be today if I only had a chance to show her, now. I dreamed that one night when I fell asleep in her arms, in my perfect peace, I had a LONG and overly detailed nightmare that she left me, and for nine months I was miserable without her. For nine months I tried to deny my feelings for her, seeking comfort in the refuge of drugs and other women, only to eventually wake up in her arms and release the most intense sigh of relief from a bad dream that the universe has ever known. She was still there. She had never left me, and all of this was just a horrible, horrible dream. It seemed so real to me, b/c I knew, gazing into her eyes, that I could NEVER have mistreated her, again. I could never have driven her away, especially not after that terrible nightmare. It was more perfect, and I was more grateful for her than ever, seeing her face still there when I awoke from the most torturous hell my life. But....
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that THIS was the dream. The background was fuzzy and bright white. All I saw was her holding me in her arms. We were older, and we looked different. I knew, then, that I had died. I had "awaken" from the terrible nightmare of life without her, b/c I had awaken from life.
I have concluded that in the end, when we leave this place, we are there together. She can leave me, now, in this life. She can go on believing that I will always be the asshole that she remembers and that I haven't learned my lesson, never giving me one last chance to show her that I have, and she can live a long, happy life with another man. She can claim that HE is "the one," but the divine truth is that no matter what happens in this life, we will always be together...always.
I have been trying sooooo hard to let this go. My undying feelings of self-hatred are the root of ALL of my anger, and letting go of this, completely, is the only way that I can forgive myself and discard all of my negativity. It seems that every time I get close to regaining my long-lost inner peace, I am haunted with another incredibly blissful, vivid dream that she is still here.
Red says that I WILL be with her again, and that I am dreaming of the future. That is why, I guess, that every time I get so close to letting go of her, something pulls me back. I don't want to hold on to any of this anymore, at all. With every ounce of my being, I genuinely want to let go. It is something beyond me, something far more powerful, that keeps me holding on to her.....

I KNOW that God wants me to be happy, and that I need to "let go" in order to put an end to my anger. I am obviously doing it the wrong way, though. It would appear as though God doesn't think that I should have to let go of HER in order to let go of my anger. That is why the dreams won't stop. That is probably also why I feel bad for carrying on with Lau the way that I have been, knowing, all of this time, that she is not and never will be right for me.
I have seen "the one." I know exactly who She is, and I know her well. Whether I see her again in this life or not, doesn't change the fact that it IS Her. Until our time comes around again, I will be grateful for the fact that she seems happier, now, than I ever made her, and I will cherish every day I have on this planet, knowing that I have experienced the most immaculate TRUE love that exists in this world.
I will gladly wait until I die, alone for the rest of my life, if that is what I have to do, to remember that I WILL be with Her again....someday.......perhaps, only when I wake from this dream.

In the grand scheme of things, the rest of my life is not really that long of a wait to get to wake up in her arms, again.

current mood: nostalgic

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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
11:52 pm - The Fire Theft (Heaven)
This song has been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. I whole-heartedly believe that without it, I would not have made as much of a self-improvement as I have, in such a short period of time. I strongly feel that Jeremy Enigk was every bit as connected to his spiritual path and at the same crossroads in his journey, when he wrote this, as I am, now. If that is true, then I KNOW that every gushing tear and every maddening scream; every apathetic surrender and every humiliating defeat; every spilled drop of my blood and every deconstruction of my soul, will pay off in the end.


Heaven
Are you really waiting outside the door
Never thought I'd hear the words before the road
Sever
It's the simple things that are so hard to grasp
Can't find myself in all the days that passed
But I can feel it when it shines
Nevermind, I'm falling in love with you
Can't find the road that runs through
Falling in love with you

Heaven
Are you really waiting outside the door
Never thought I'd hear the words before the road
Sever
It's the simple things that are so hard to grasp
Can't find myself in all these days that pass
But I can feel it when it shines
Nevermind the way they shy
Turning round along the trail
My whole world is falling in love with you
Can't find the road that runs through
Falling in love with you
Can't find the road that gets through

current mood: creative

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10:04 pm - Hibernation
It's just around the corner. I can honestly feel it closer and more intensely, now, than I have felt it in almost 3 yrs. What time could possibly be more perfect for the long-awaited exorcism of ALL my inner filth, once and for all, than the lonely, cold winter?
Lost in an overly hopeful prayer that the COMPLETE release of my sinful humanity and dwelling masochism will finally become possible tomorrow, I shall sleep with true peace tonight. The simple fact that I've come as far as I have over the last couple of weeks, knowing that absolute resolution has been unattainable, all this time, makes me very proud of myself and even more anxious to see the final outcome...to hear it...to send the creation home to its muse...to REALLY let go...forever.

I pray only for the abilities to finish what I've begun and to have some sort of gifts for my loved ones, especially the ones that have made my life worth-while and my spiritual growth possible the most. You should know who you are, and please know that if God does what I have total faith that He will do, you'll finally have an idea of how much I love you all.

So, that being said, I am going to continue on my spiritual journey, now, vastly increasing in speed, seclusion, and meditation, every day. I will develop more faith, constantly, in what is, what is to come, who I am, and what I need to do.
For those of you that have and have had faith in me during my most difficult times, it is with infinite gratitude and total endearment that I will hold you, when I leave this planet, knowing that you were such an undeniably important part of my life. I will make sure that you are FULLY aware of this before any of us go.
For those of you that do not, and have not ever had faith in me, b/c you are CERTAIN that what you perceive me to be is all that I am and will ever be, or for those of you that have lost faith in me and just turned your backs when I have desperately needed you there the most, you may want to find your lacking faith immediately. Otherwise, you are all sure to find yourselves choking on your own feet, when I blow your fucking minds, VERY soon.

Each one of us comes into the world the same way that we will inevitably have to leave it...alone.
I will not leave this place, alone...not this time...not Me.

current mood: determined

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Friday, November 14th, 2003
10:30 am - Very interesting.....
Not be confused with disappointing. In order to be disappointed, you must first be surprised. This....
This is just veeeeeery fucking interesting. Hmmm. Oh well.
I know everything will be okay from now on, b/c I will never let anyone take this away from me, again....
: )

The answer to every question is the same as the solution to every problem in the world. Just one simple word....
God.
Thank you, Father, for allowing me to wake up again, today. I am grateful for every opportunity you give me to witness another beautiful day on this planet....
Alive.

current mood: awake

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
12:18 pm - Letting Go....
Finally, I have been given the opportunity to forgive myself for all of the horrible mistakes that I've made. Today, I finally know that I have been completely forgiven by the person I hurt most. I have needed that, all along, to clear my conscience and move on. Thank you, Father.
Now, the REAL me will begin to truly reveal itself to the world. I may be around a little less than I have, but my energy will begin gradually making its way back to the light.
It should be a rather noticeable transition. A couple weeks ago, I spoke of needing to be alone to "find myself," again. In what little time I spent alone, I realized that there was a buried void, deep within me, keeping me from the light. I have kept my self-loathing for all of the stupid things that I've done, bottled up, for a long time. Without accepting and addressing this anger, I've never gotten closure for it. Suddenly, I began to have dreams about her, every night. Like she was really there, talking to me, I could see the twinkle in her eyes. It was like she was in the room with me, every night for a week. Eventually, my worrying that something may be wrong with her helped me to muster up the balls to try to get a hold of her. It turned out that she had been thinking about me a lot, too, and for a week, the week that I dreamed about her every night, she's been trying to reach me, for the first time in a long time.
She didn't need me, though. In fact, she says that she's never been happier in her entire life. That's all I could've ever wanted for her. So, then, why would she feel compelled to contact me, so suddenly? I've decided that she must have known, subconsciously, that I've been needing this closure, and it's been preventing me from moving forward. She told me a couple days ago, that I haven't changed, and that I'm still angry. I denied it, and I told her that she didn't know me anymore. I lied. Nobody knows me better than she does, and she was right. I'm not angry at the world, like I was then. Now, I'm just angry with myself. She said:
"....I have completely forgiven you, or I would not be able to be so happy, now....I realized when by best friend died, that I was depressed for nothing. We can go at any time, and there's no reason to spend any of our time, until then, unhappy....I will always love you and the time that we've spent together, but it's time to let go of all that."
Yes, my love. I agree. It is time to let go of ALL of that.
I feel like the 10,000 lb. weight that's been crushing me for so long has been lifted from chest. Now, I can breathe the free air, again, no longer bound by anger and darkness. I will DIE before I allow myself to ever do the things that have caused me to hurt another living angel, so much, and kept me a prisoner to pain all of this time, EVER again. This is the last time I'm going to make this climb. I will never fall again. I am letting go, now, Angel....for both of us.

current mood: relieved

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Thursday, November 6th, 2003
12:34 pm - Funnies....
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks: "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man
replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.He asks the man: "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing
a beat, blurts out: "I'LL BE DAMNED ----- MY GIRLFRIEND'S GONE TOO!!!!!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wisecrack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned
over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The
mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said
"Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses.


This is one of my favorite...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head
of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.

Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
you know that?

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."


9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too" Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


"Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened"

current mood: mellow

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12:28 pm - Fucking hilarious!
Hey, guys, I had to share this with you all, b/c it's the funniest fucking thing I've seen in a long while. Check out this link, and make sure your audio is on....

http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf

current mood: peaceful

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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
7:29 pm - Home.....
Awwwwwwwww! I love you guys soooooo much. Thank you all for being such super-cool friends. I really meant what I said. I do love you ALL like family, and I will most definitely take you up on the invitation to talk if/whenever I need to. Right now, I am taking "me time" for an undecided period. I need to get back into my regular self-disciplined, unaffected and spiritually connected, progressive routine. This will take GREAT effort and much time alone, at first. Unfortunately, that means I won't be able to join in any of the regular activities of partying in Mesquite or going to Monkeyshyne shows, but I assure you, it is only for a little while. After a while, this routine will become second-nature to me, and it will cease to require very much effort or time. (Can you tell that I've had to do this, before?) I am going to try to get this all under control as soon as humanly possible, b/c truthfully, I would miss you all waaaaaay too much to stay away forever. Plus, I just don't have anywhere else to go. Ha! J/K.
Seriously, though, it's time for you all to meet the real A.J. I'd rather not come around until I can feel comfortable "in my own skin." Though you have seen brief glimpses of what I am really like, the dark cloud that I've carried over me for the last 3 yrs. has never stopped stalking me for very long. It's time for me to step back into the light and get back on the path. Halloween is over. I have no more excuses.....until New Year's Eve, of course : )
Again, I can not stress to you how much I love you all, and I thank you infinitely for becoming a part of my new life and family. I will see you, hopefully, very soon.

current mood: loved

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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
1:30 pm - Inanimate
For a while, now, I've wanted to share this with you all, but I've been afraid. After this weekend, I truly feel like you are all a part of my immediate family. This is a feeling that I haven't felt in a loooooong time. Now, I am not afraid anymore. So, some of this will pretty much explain exactly why I'm so fucked up and weird, sometimes......okay, most of the time. Then, there are parts of it that won't make any damn sense to any of you, at all. Within these lines, all of the skeletons in my closet are revealed. This is the last of what I've kept concealed from the majority of the world. It is not intended to scare anyone and it is certainly not a cry for your sympathy. It is merely my way of providing an opportunity for you all to better understand me, my motives, and some of the shittier decisions that I make/have made, provided that you are actually able to make out what the hell I'm talking about. It is written to be a little abstract and difficult to understand.
Here it is....


Alas, the shadows prevail, engulfing
Our very own foundation, crumbling
Attention drained from timeless demise
Subdued by bleach and scolding eyes

Crippled perception berates advancement
Commence depleting inward to transparent
Abandoned child draws in pedophiles
Resolution lies on uncharted miles
An unforeseen while....away

Intrusive presence, calloused and flown
Divided essence unmasking tone
Tedious portraits colored apathy
Gnawing on self-aversive intimacy

Gracious seclusion granted by scratches
Alien to the whip but stitched to its lashes

Inanimate cell of lyseurgic pictures
Decadent child consumed by failures
Oblivious to overwhelming numbness
Imperative resistance fades to abyss
Resist resistance

Beneath the shell of chaotic waste
There, a desperate flickering light awaits
Motive to shine through contracting fissures
Corrupted wires disarm feel reactors

Vivid dreams of the conscious sleep
Slide up and see what may never be

Frivolous jesters live on novocaine
Reduces swelling, yet the worst remains
Ethereal quest of punctured word
Harbors remorse, no that will not be heard

current mood: nervous

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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
3:39 am - Hmmmm.........
Very interesting night. A badass band plays one of the best shows I've seen them play, yet, and there were all of 5-10 people there to see them. That's what I call "all about the music." FFTN never ceases to amaze me. I discovered my long lost, never fully developed friendship with Josh, the front-man. He and I will probably be hanging out a lot more, from now on. I had a really good time, there.

The Velvet Hookah was packed, as was all of Deep Ellum. I started to realize when I was watching all of the people getting super-freaky on the dance floor, including a guy and girl that were humping and making out (they might as well have been fucking, right there), that I really wanted to get laid. I got to hang out with my very good friend, Clay, the owner, who I haven't seen or talked to for several weeks. It was really good to see him and just to be there, overall. It felt like I was returning home from a long vacation, and they made me feel very welcome. Being there was definitely the highlight of my evening.

When I was leaving, there was a beautiful angel sitting on the curb, looking very distressed. Apparently, she'd been waiting for her ride for 10 minutes and had gotten harassed by every guy that walked or drove by, so I sat with her until her ride came. She was very appreciative, not to mention pretty damn drunk. It was a funny ending to my night out.

Came home, starting writing this, and got annoyed right out of Red's room, b/c he is without a doubt, the loudest snorer in the universe. Sorry guys. I can't take it anymore. I'll finish this tomorrow.

current mood: content

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Friday, October 31st, 2003
12:19 am - End of Childhood, Beginning of a New Journey
...And thus, a new Me on this new day. I don't even know if I'm ready, and yes, I have been waiting and praying for this for quite some time. Nonetheless, my next great venture may have finally revealed itself to me. In an attempt to redeem myself for the disappointing, stoned-as-hell display of inconsistent dedication and progress I showed to my "brothers" of over 2 years, I may have actually stumbled upon a better fit. It's far too soon to be absolutely certain, now, but I am getting very strong vibes from my new potential "out".

I'm not too crazy about the band name, though. Band names with #'s in them don't generally sit well with me, but they are really good, creative musicians, and they seem like beautiful people, from what little I've gathered, so far. I won't hold against them, the fact that 32 cents might as well be 50 cent or 98 degrees, as far as I'm concerned. That's just me. There are 150+ people that follow the band and their music, and they don't seem to have a problem with the name at all, so what the hell do I know? Anyway, there will be regular updates on the status of my possibly becoming the new singer for their already 5-man ensemble (yes, they have 3 guitarists).

Honestly, the whole thing has me a little overwhelmed. Although taking on this responsibility, in my currently barely stable state of mind, could be exactly what I need, my self-confidence is still shot from failing everyone closest to me, so miserably, not so long ago, that I'm very afraid.

This is the same feeling that has aided me in making the decision to withdraw from her, completely. I don't want her to have the power I've given her, and it's not b/c I don't trust her with it (God, right now, I'd trust her with it far more than anyone else in the entire world), but I just need it too badly, myself. I'm sorry, love. Believe me, it will be much better this way for both of us, in the long run.

It's a miracle that I've stayed sane over the last year, with all that's happened, and especially over the last couple weeks. Things only seem to get more chaotic when all I want is relief. Similar to what Sam said, I never realized how much madness surrounded me until I wanted nothing more than a moment of calm. No, of course not. Instead.......it gets worse.

My brother is back on drugs, again, and with a burning vengeance. There is no salvation that I can give him, this time. I gave up my bliss, my PERFECT FUCKING LIFE!, to bring him back and give him another chance, a chance he so reluctantly accepted and only to appease me. Here I am, without the option of taking it back. As I lie, wallowing in my hole of exhausted defeat, his way of thanking me for saving his life is by killing himself all over again. Nobody will do for you, again, what I've done, Joe. You're own mother left you to die. Maybe I should have too. You are alone, now. Unfortunately, my imeasurably shitty decision to give up perfection to save your life, has left me alone, too. For what? The joy of seeing you sober and well for a few months? I traded a whole life of contentment and love for a few months of lonely hope and now, NOTHING. So, I guess it's true what they say. All good things do come to an end, eventually. Only REAL love is forever........if it even exists.

My unconditional love and empathy, it seems, are moments away from fleeting from me, for good. If this is what it means to grow up, I wish I could have just stayed a child forever. Oh well. Boys don't cry.

Even though tonight, I will bask in nostalgia, dreaming of my cozy, warm, and perfect yesterday, I know tomorrow is a new day. That alone is worth waking up for. Goodnight.

current mood: drained

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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
2:43 pm - Unconditional (My closest second to Conscious Sleep)
It's pretty fucking intense when you actually hear it sung. Hopefully, I'll get to show it to you all, one day....


Like a shifting breeze, fickle and cold
Momentary comfort transforms to mold
Capricious urge to rebel against fate
Enhanced by tears, smothered by "too late"

Eccentric void of echo wishing well
Ringing daymares project a need to flush this hell

Optimist plays rested and nourished
Avoiding the ring, withered and tarnished
Cordially delicate in spite of this grudge
Anxious to grow but welded to shut

Invoke lethargia where torment and weakness hide
Infesting germs poisoned with ruptured pride
Relief from the cruel mirage laughing inside
Laugh at me inside

Unlike shimmering seas, fragile and broke
Temporary venture detours to joke
Capricious urge to rebel against fate
Enhanced by tears, bludgeoned by "too late"
You'll never know how long this could take
I know you only give, I only take

Induce hysteria, blindfold the wired unholy night
Surfacing wounds infected by white
Release of the dark facade, abandoned by light
Abandon me light

current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
4:56 pm - Good Advice
I feel like maybe I shouldn't listen to anything that anyone has to say anymore, b/c nobody has been where I have been or where I am now, and nobody is exactly where I want to go, either. We are alone to discover our path, and we stumble into our fate by our own accord. Nobody else can say anything comforting or give any good advice to me anymore. The truth is that no one really knows what the fuck is going on in their own lives, and that's why everyone is always so eager to give you advice and tell you what you should do with yours. It must be sort of a way for them to seek refuge from the chaos and drama of their own lives. That being said, I think I'll just fend for myself and take my chances alone. I know that there's not anything that anyone can say to me that I haven't already thought at some point in time.

For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I feel completely alone. Although, I've spent MUCH time alone in my life, I think for the first time ever, I'm surrounded by people that care about me and that have a genuine desire to help me find my way, but I just don't give a fuck what any of them has to say. Nobody seems to be able to say anything that makes sense, anymore. I remember a time when I was distraught and I could talk to any one of a great number of people about my troubles, and I knew that I could take a least one positive thing away from the conversation. Now, it's like if any single thing you say doesn't pan out, your whole opinion on the subject becomes null and void. Therefore, you're no longer fit to advise me on this or any topic, now or ever again, in my time of need. Nothing that anyone says is panning out. There are always truths in what people say to me, but lately everything is so fucked up that I'm having trouble deciphering fact from opinion and true from false. I'm even having trouble deciphering dream from thought. Where the hell am I, and how the hell did I get here? More importantly, how the FUCK do I get back to where I was?!

The perfect time. A time of innocence, patience, spiritual harmony, new music, shared love........om.

Today, it seems true what they say. Ignorance is bliss.

current mood: apathetic

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11:24 am - My Only Satisfaction
Here it is:

Twisting and pulling in every direction
Stretching the mind and soul to progression
Fumbling the words that speak for themselves
Encompassing visions and dreams of spells
Will never cease

Conscious sleep
Learn to practice what you preach
Thoughts that think
Wake the heart to what it means
To be alive

Angel's song carries every emotion
Sweeps the body with a tamed confusion
Stars with wings caress with love
Bless the night for our sky above

Conscious sleep
Learn to practice what you preach
Thoughts that think
Wake the heart to what it means

Entrancing glow of all we've ever been
Gliding slow to fall down and get up again
Flying high, the hero holds His hand
Reminding still when and where this began

Conscious sleep

current mood: melancholy

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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
7:13 pm - Flight of the prince....
Finally, the initial set-up phase is complete! It's about fucking time. There will be only minor adjustments from here on out.

There's so much to say and do and such little time. That seems to be my biggest worry, nowadays. The feeling of urgency and approaching end swells in me, more and more, everyday. Fortunately, I have the comfort of knowing that when the whole world crumbles around me and is buried under seas of stubborn faithlessness and careless indulgence, I will be kept safe under the wings of my angels.

Last night I had another flying dream. This was one of the best, yet. I was walking down the street with Red, and I subconsciously decided that I was tired of walking, so I started hovering. I must have been traveling horizontally, alongside Red, for about 5 minutes before I realized that I was floating. As soon as it dawned on me that this was a flying dream, I immediately started soaring through the street, super-man style, with one fist on my hip and the other leading the way. When I think about it, now, I remember how odd it was that nobody found it in the slightest bit peculiar that there was a guy hovering down the sidewalk. Red didn't even get upset that he was having to run to keep up with me. At one point, I began to drastically increase in elevation (I always make a point to do that at least once in flying dreams). When I got to about 300 feet in the air, Red reminded me that it was a lot easier to go up than to come down, safely. I took his advice and started making my way back down. He was right. I did hit the ground pretty hard. I'll try to remember to fly over a lake next time. I had 2 totally unrelated and madly surreal dreams last night. The other one is for me only. Actually, I might get to tell her, someday....if fate would grant me the opportunity.

One upon a time, in my conscious sleep, I discovered how incredibly easy it is to give so much of yourself to anyone or everyone, that it's inconcievable to those around you that you might have enough life left, in the end, to live for yourself. I believe that is true with most people. However, I know that there are some people in this world that have been sucked so dry of their patience and compassion, so many times, that it actually has the opposite effect on them. They grow more tolerant, more perceptive, and even more willing to throw their energy and love around, recklessly, just to learn more about how it is received by others. Most people confuse these experiments for weakness. These scarred and calloused warriors get quickly deemed as meek infants. At least the complete lack of understanding of the concept "unconditional love," in my brothers and sisters, no longer surprises me or keeps me awake at night.

This life is ours to live. Whether we choose to spend it running from possible disappointment or embracing potential nirvana, does not change the fact that it is the only life we have and it does not last long enough.
Love as many people as you can, as much as you can and as often as you can. It is the only way to make it out of life alive.

current mood: lethargic

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